The Legend of ZeldaR: Zelda Has To Go!
by Hartono Budiono
Summary: OR The Legend of Zelda: Slumlord Sword: Crisis on Finite Earths: Hylian Spring: Zelda Has To Go. A story that is set somewhere after Four Swords Adventures, Spirit Tracks and Zelda II! Confused, now? POST-ZELDA 2, POST-SPIRIT TRACKS, POST-FSA STORY. Contains brief descriptions of boring political commentary, non-politics, Ganondorf seizing power again and lots of preachy stuff.
1. You are an hero, Link!

**The Legend of ZeldaR: The Slumlord's Sword: The Crisis on Finite Universes: Hylian Spring**

**Quick Warning/BAHAYA:** Consists of obfuscating storyline, ridiculous plot, low-level sexual references, Arab Spring references, storyline being set after Spirit Tracks, Four Sword Adventures and Zelda II, which is then being combined to one story, modern-era setting, story written by the seat of their pants, Internet meme references, less than 10% crossover plot but still having crossovers nonetheless and 90% Zelda plot written on the books. Also contains references to foreign languages such as Japanese, Indonesian, English, Klingon and any and all random ideas in between.

**Another Warning: **THE LEGEND OF ZELDA IS PROUDLY TRADEMARKED BY NINTENDO CO., LTD. (INCORPORATED IN KYOTO, JAPAN) SINCE 1986 (LOOK IT UP ON UNCYCLOPEDIA). HOWEVER, I HAVE EXPRESSED MY WISHES TO WORK FOR NINTENDO, WHICH OF COURSE WILL PROBABLY NOT HAPPEN UNLESS I OWN ABOUT A METRIC SHITE-TON OF STOCKS AT THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE OF THE BIG APPLE, AND THEN I CAN BE SOME BRO WITH HALF THE EMPLOYEES OF NINTENDO OF AMERICA, WHICH ALSO MEANS MOVING TO THE UNITED STATES. ALL CONTENTS OF THIS IS PURELY FANFICTIONAL AND ANY OF THE FOLLOWING EVENTS, REAL OR FAKE, OR EVEN UNFAKE, IS COINCIDENTAL. ANYONE IN THIS PLACE THAT RESEMBLES WHO IS OF EXISTENCE OR NOW DEAD IS ALSO COINCIDENTAL. ANY ALL CAPS SENTENCE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND IS USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND PARODY PURPOSES. AND NO, I DO NOT WANT TO WORK FOR KONAMI; THEIR EXECUTIVES ARE SCREWING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THEIR BOTTOM LINE RECENTLY. WHY DID I BOTHER WITH THIS? I COULD HAVE APPLIED FOR A JOB AT TIME WARNER SO THAT I CAN OWN DC COMICS, WARNER BROS., TIME, INC. AND EVEN CNN! OR MAYBE NEWS CORPORATION, BUT THAT MEANS DEALING WITH RUPERT MURDOCH. SO, INSTEAD, LET'S GET ON WITH IT! JOSS WHEDON, YOU'RE IN! WHERE THE HELL IS MY CAMERA?

**Chapter 1: YOU ARE THE AN HERO, LINK!**

The land of New Hyrule had grown into a superpower. Think of it as India with the Triforce. Villagers are no longer isolated from the main town, entertainment centres are established, pulling the villagers living on the outskirts to cities, and the military is well-equipped with the latest weaponry. Castle Town grew rapidly and became renamed as Hylia, spanning to Gerudorf. Hyrule became a large nation, with Princess Zelda, the head of government and state, as ruler, and heir to the Triforce of Wisdom, stored in a museum. A massive train network the size of Japan's linked every village and city. Motor vehicles stormed the roads instead of animals. The land of Hyrule consists of Gerudorf, a city located in the famous Gerudo Valley near the shores of the Great Sea, Kakariko City, part of the Hylia-Kakariko megalopolis and God knows what other cities I could think of at this point, Goronabad, a city located on the valley between Snowhead and Death mountains, and home of a theme park called Deadly-Q Highland, and Zorastan, located at the Great Sea, which has a well-known rock music scene, with bands such as "Fins", "Indigo Gos" and "Van Zoran" released albums that had gone platinum and had sold out concerts.

But there are problems. Hylia was overcrowded with literally millions of people. The roads are severely congested, with some traffic jams lasting more than a day. Crime had peaked at an all-time high, and every case of rape, murder and other serious crimes (in whcih we strongly condemn!) are left unreported (and you should report any crime to the police! The police in Hyrule are terrible!). Hyrule's image as a beautiful kingdom became seriously tarnished as Ganon, carrier of the Triforce of Power and the head of a large crime organisation known as the Beast, named because of the shape of Ganon's head, committed terrorism and the attempted theft of the Triforce of Wisdom from a museum. However, they failed to assassinate Zelda on numerous attempts. The Beast also owns the largest companies in Hyrule, ranging from petroleum companies to retail stores. Villagers across Hyrule flocking to Hylia finding jobs only ended up in massive slums in atrociously appalling conditions. No word on whether it has been demolished though, as the Hylian authorities had ignored the area completely.

Link, the bearer of the Triforce of Courage, is one of the people who ended up in a slum. Originating from a small village in the coast of Hyrule, he left his family in search of work after his mother was murdered by the Beast. His ancestors have royal blood, worked for Zelda and fought for Hyrule. After arriving at a station in Hylia, Link first worked as a cleaner in a bar south of the castle, and then as a service station attendant in one of Hylia's affluent suburb. After the previous two jobs, Link could not find any more jobs, and headed to Hylia's largest slum: Wipe Castle.

Wipe Castle is not a castle, nor is it a beautiful place. In fact, it isn't really a good place to live. Untreated sewage flows through the unpaved paths, which originate the word "Wipe" in "Wipe Castle". The buildings are crudely constructed out of any material that they could find, such as bricks, iron roofing and leftover timber. In some cases, people slept near the open sewer that drains into the ocean untreated. Many people fell ill with dysentery, cholera and other diseases, and with no medical help, people are left to die outside. The Slumlord is the ruler of Wipe Castle. He is a shady character who kept himself hidden from public view, and not many people in Wipe Castle had heard or spoke of him.

Just before evening, Link settled in a small, one-room house in Wipe Castle and unpacked his clothes and items. He wore a green singlet, long, white pants, and a good luck charm, a bracelet bearing the Triforce symbol, made by his father after his birth. He also unpacked a picture of Princess Zelda, who he had strong links to encompassing several centuries, via the Triforce. The picture was placed on a small table. He then lit a fire in a small stove and cooked a meal of rice congee, and some fish he bought at the market. After the fish and the congee are cooked, Link ate his dinner, and then slept on the cold, muddy floor. This was his first day in the slum.

For the next three weeks, Link desperately searched for a job, until he went to Hyrule Castle after he found work in the classifieds section of a newspaper he was reading. The advertisement asked for a cleaning job at Hyrule Castle. The castle is located within the wall, which is within a wall, which is within another wall, supervised by thousands of guards. It also boasts a theme park and was listed as the second best tourist attraction, behind Goronabad, a city located near Death Mountain famous for its rocks and bomb flowers.

Outside the third wall surrounding the other walls and a castle, a drunken man was lying beside the wall. This bearded man was in his mid-twenties, wearing just a shirt and pants, and was very hairy. He shouted at Link, "Oi, you, Link!"

"What the hell do you want?" he shouted back.

"Guess what? I tried to get to Princess Zelda, and my sweet Triforce, she is one hot princess. I tried to get into the castle by climbing up the hill, sneaked in through the three walls, and climbed inside the tunnel like Mario does through the pipes", said the drunken man.

"Are you on weed? Seriously, I think you are", Link responded.

"No, no, it's true! After climbing through that small tunnel, I reached a fountain. I opened the door and it led me to her bedroom. Just as I tried to approach her, she woke up, screamed and the guards came in. I can't remember what happened next".

"I guess they threw you out, and I heard that the princess issued a restraining order against you. I'm going now", said Link, and went inside the castle.

The drunk man went back to sleep. He was staring at his reflection on the water of the moat, and went back to sleep.

Princess Zelda is the ruler of the Hylian Empire. In numerous times she had avoided getting assassinated by the Beast. Zelda wears a beautiful long white dress, and a crown sporting a gemstone. She bore the Triforce of Wisdom's power.

"You must be Link", Zelda said.

"And you must be Your Highness", replied Link, and bowed before her.

"I hereby give you royal permission to call me Zelda", she told Link, and gave him a sheet of paper, bearing a certificate.

_What?_ Link thought. _What is this? Why did she just do it? Normally she would see a prophecy and I would arrive._

"Zelda", said Link, "I came here to work for you. Here's a copy of the job advertisement, Zelda", and he gave the paper to Zelda.

"You know, Link", Zelda replied, "I feel sorry for you, being poor and alone, with no job, but I'll tell you what: you can work for me as a janitor for three weeks, and after three weeks, we can talk in private at my room

"You will be paid 55 rupees every day, if I recall that this is the minimum wage of a janitor, and you also receive it on the same day."

"Thanks, Zelda", he said, and he walked out of her chamber with the certificate, and in a happy mood.

For the next three weeks, Link worked as a janitor cleaning the entire castle. The money was not enough to buy a decent apartment, but at least enough to buy some decent food, a cup of coffee- which became Link's constant habit now as he did not drank coffee originally, and enough to spare to send to his father back at the coast.

It was the third week of Link's job, and he saw two people training to become Zelda's bodyguards. After the trainees left, Link picked up a gun, and practised shooting the targets. Link picked up the bullets, loaded the bullets on the gun, and aimed towards the target, which is completely covered with bullet holes. He looked through the sight and aimed at the bullseye, pulled the trigger, and shot the target.

Link continued practising shooting until he heard footsteps.

"Hey, who is it that is been shooting?" a voice called.

Link placed the gun down, unloaded the bullets, and went back cleaning the castle. As the guard entered the room, he saw Link cleaning and said, "Must've been my ears. Or my mind even." He had to wait until Friday in which he can meet Princess Zelda.

It was Friday, and Link had finished his job. Zelda approached Link, and said, "Can you come to my office for a moment, Link?"

Link walked to Zelda's office. He sat down.

Zelda said to Link, "You did a good job Link. Anyway, I heard rumours of you shooting targets with a pistol. But that doesn't matter anyway, and let's talk about what is going to happen to you, Link.

"You are going to become my bodyguard. Isn't it sweet, cutie? It had been a family tradition to hire you, Link, as a bodyguard. Starting tomorrow, you will start protecting me at all costs."

"Hang on, Zelda, I saved your ancestors?" Link asked.

"Your ancestors had served me for centuries. Shouldn't you do the same too, Link?" Zelda said.

Link nodded.

"You know, Link, maybe you are _my hero_", Zelda said sweetly.

Link then started to become embarrassed and broke out a sweat. "Uh… maybe, Zelda-"

Zelda kissed Link.

Link said, "What the... Zelda, please no. We'll do it later, Zelda", but Zelda approached him closely. "For Din's sake, can we do this sometime later, Zelda?"

She playfully replied, "OK, if you are not going to kiss me, it doesn't matter. I'll see you again tomorrow", and blew a kiss to him. Link walked out of the room, and then ran screaming across the hallway, and then hid around the corner.

He panted, and thought to himself, _I am definitely not going to go and touch a princess inappropriately, even if she asks to. No, just no. Maybe much later._ And of course this is completely censored out.

He left the castle and walked to the bus station. The bus arrived, and he caught the bus, paid the ticket, and sat down at the front end.

Several stops later, he arrived at The Heavens. One of the boys came out and shouted, "Hey, are you Link?"

"Yes, I am Link", he replied.

"They say that you are an ancestor of a legendary hero", the boy said, and showed Link a 500-rupee note with Link's face in it.

"Yes, but I am tired of people coming in and shouting my name and all that", Link told the boy, "but you can have some candy". Link gave the boy a packet of candy shaped like the Triforce, and the boy went back home inside. Then suddenly, everyone came outside and shouted, "Hey, Link! You're my hero!"

Link blushed in embarrassment and ran back to his hut, where he slept.

During the night, he dreamt. A voice called Link.

"Link…" the voice called. "Link, you are the chosen one".

"Who is this?" Link murmured.

"I am Farore, the goddess who represented your Triforce- the Triforce of Courage", Farore said.

"You got to be kidding me. What do you want anyway?" Link replied.

"Link, you had royal blood in your veins. Your ancestors fought for Hyrule and had strong links with the Royal Family. But however, an evil force wanted to destroy the peace. Therefore, when you become a bodyguard of Zelda, a member of the Hyrule Secret Service, protect her at all costs. Oh, and you are literally on top of Ghirahim's Fortress. Wipe Castle was built on this and Ganon now proceeds in building his lair on top", Farore continued.

"What? This was Ghirahim's shit?" Link shouted.

Farore replied, "Forget about that. He had a relation with Ganon, and he also worked for him once while he tried to steal the real Triforce at a museum. Since that blunder, they hated each other. This man lurks among Wipe Castle. His name is the Slumlord, and he is the relative of Bowser. It has long been your destiny to become Zelda's bodyguard. Tomorrow, he may be one of the three people who will become part of the Hyrule Secret Service, and then kill Zelda from within".

"OK, I got all of it down- wait a minute, isn't Bowser a Koopa from Mario?" said Link.

"Yes, but for some reason, the Slumlord is the cousin of Bowser twice removed, and is also Ganon's nephew. He looks like a mutant with a pig's head, and- I'll tell you the rest later", Farore replied.

"Do I get a sword or something that is completely worthless that it is, firstly, useless, and secondly, the thing you gave me is like a Magikarp? If it is, then, no, I won't accept some message, and think that you're some figment of imagination", said Link.

"Don't be an ass, Link. I will tell you on how to defeat the Slumlord later. Right now, I cannot find information on how to kill him. Now, where's my book?", she said. Farore disappeared afterwards.

Link said, "Sounds easy enough. Well, obviously", and continued sleeping.

The next morning, Link woke up, ate breakfast and put on his clothes. Carrying a bag, he walked to the bus stop, hailed the incoming bus and got on the bus.

He arrived at Hyrule Castle, where he is going to be in a ceremony in which he will become a bodyguard of Zelda, working for the Hyrule Secret Service.

At the chamber of Princess Zelda, there are two other people who are in the ceremony as well. Link knew that there is something sinister going on, but he did not speak it out for fear of Zelda being kidnapped and murdered. There are hundreds of people watching the initiation ceremony, such as current and past bodyguards, intelligence officers and heads of detective agencies.

"Link, you're up next", announced Zelda.

Link walked to the throne and bowed before her. "Zelda, I am very sorry for what happened yesterday", he whispered.

"It doesn't matter, Link. We're still friends", Zelda whispered back. She handed over the uniform, which is a white shirt, black pants and a black blazer. In addition, she gave Link a badge that says _Hyurle Secret Service_ in Hylian, the official language of Hyrule, which is basically a form of Creole based on the Japanese language that flourishes around the area and spoken widely as a _lingua franca_.

_Looks like Japanese writing to me on the badge_, thought Link when he looked at the badge.

"You are so goddamn lucky to go from janitor to bodyguard in just three weeks. I mean, I noticed that you are very good with the gun", Zelda said, and kissed Link on the cheek. Several photographers recorded the event happening.

Suddenly, a janitor breaks in the area, and shouted, "Well, _excuse_ me, Princess! I have been here for twelve years cleaning the castle, and then this asshole came in and got out of it in three weeks. Fair go, Your Majesty! I demand the same goddamn treatment!"

"Well, _excuse_ me, janitor!" Zelda said sarcastically.

The guards rushed in, restrained the janitor, and sent him out of the chamber room. Link stared at the distance.

"Link, Link!" she shouted. "I need to talk to you afterwards, OK?"

The ceremony continued despite the interruptions.

After the ceremony finished, Zelda grabbed Link, and dragged him to her office.

"Let me go!" screamed Link, as he was dragged across the floor.

At the office, Zelda told Link, "I think it's time that you should move to a proper house, instead of some rat-infested shithole like Wipe Castle. I _hate_ rats".

"A proper house?" he replied. "What's the catch? Do I have to do something inappropriate?"

"No, Link, but at least you get cable television, a proper bed, a marble bathroom and some other luxuries you currently don't have", she said.

Link asked, "Does it have HBO?"

"Yes, it does, _duh_" Zelda replied sarcastically.

"Well, count me in, Zelda!" Link said gleefully. "By the way, where is my house going to be?"

"It is close to my castle", replied Zelda.

"OK, but please show me quickly. I have three boxes full of my stuff loaded in, the taxi driver drove me here and he is extremely cocky. He even threatened to destroy my stuff!" said Link.

"It's basically some guard's quarters around the area. Since this is merely a tourist attraction to visitors here, you may want to not hang around too long. I got some tour of duty going around the Gerudorf area tonight, and this is when tourists will arrive in literally millions", she warned.

_You gotta be kidding me_, he thought.

So Link simply moved from the ruins of Ganon's Castle and into this small excuse for a house that is pretty much an annex of the Hyrule Castle. This is where he will end up for life.

Link pulled his sword out, did a sexually crude act that cannot be described in detail and made several jokes, mostly copied from Robin William's stand up comedy that Link used to watch, and because his daughter has the same name as the princess.

"No Zelda jokes yet? This story is going to be shit, with plot holes, bad writing and that!" complained Link.

I then said, "OK, but seriously, I'm not funny, and I only want to turn this into some sort of Zelda parody, like the one about you as an idiot".


	2. My boy, this chapter is what?

**The Legend of ZeldaR: The Slumlord's Sword: The Crisis on Finite Universes: Hylian Spring**

**Quick Warning/BAHAYA:** Consists of obfuscating storyline, ridiculous plot, low-level sexual references, Arab Spring references, storyline being set after Spirit Tracks, Four Sword Adventures and Zelda II, which is then being combined to one story, modern-era setting, story written by the seat of their pants, Internet meme references, less than 10% crossover plot but still having crossovers nonetheless and 90% Zelda plot written on the books. Also contains references to foreign languages such as Japanese, Indonesian, English, Klingon and any and all random ideas in between.

**Another Warning: **THE LEGEND OF ZELDA IS PROUDLY TRADEMARKED BY NINTENDO CO., LTD. (INCORPORATED IN KYOTO, JAPAN) SINCE 1986 (LOOK IT UP ON UNCYCLOPEDIA). HOWEVER, I HAVE EXPRESSED MY WISHES TO WORK FOR NINTENDO, WHICH OF COURSE WILL PROBABLY NOT HAPPEN UNLESS I OWN ABOUT A METRIC SHITE-TON OF STOCKS AT THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE OF THE BIG APPLE, AND THEN I CAN BE SOME BRO WITH HALF THE EMPLOYEES OF NINTENDO OF AMERICA, WHICH ALSO MEANS MOVING TO THE UNITED STATES. ALL CONTENTS OF THIS IS PURELY FANFICTIONAL AND ANY OF THE FOLLOWING EVENTS, REAL OR FAKE, OR EVEN UNFAKE, IS COINCIDENTAL. ANYONE IN THIS PLACE THAT RESEMBLES WHO IS OF EXISTENCE OR NOW DEAD IS ALSO COINCIDENTAL. ANY ALL CAPS SENTENCE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND IS USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND PARODY PURPOSES. AND NO, I DO NOT WANT TO WORK FOR KONAMI; THEIR EXECUTIVES ARE SCREWING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THEIR BOTTOM LINE RECENTLY. WHY DID I BOTHER WITH THIS? I COULD HAVE APPLIED FOR A JOB AT TIME WARNER SO THAT I CAN OWN DC COMICS, WARNER BROS., TIME, INC. AND EVEN CNN! OR MAYBE NEWS CORPORATION, BUT THAT MEANS DEALING WITH RUPERT MURDOCH. SO, INSTEAD, LET'S GET ON WITH IT! JOSS WHEDON, YOU'RE IN! WHERE THE HELL IS MY CAMERA?

**Chapter 2: My boy, this chapter is what all true warriors do not strive for!**

The next day, Link woke up in his new house. It was his first day working as a bodyguard of Zelda.

Most of Zelda's bodyguards are former Hylian soldiers who were selected by Zelda to become her bodyguard. The characteristics of being a bodyguard of Zelda include straight devotion to the goddesses of Hyrule, an ability to sacrifice one's life to save Zelda, even if it means it has to be a certain and stupid death, a sense of justice for the poor and finally, having some little fun with her- if you know what I mean, of course.

Link made some breakfast, and afterwards, washed and dressed up in his uniform: green clothes, green cap, white stockings and a sword, as well as a pistol for practical purposes in case the sword fails. As Link opened the window, a gush of polluted air entered the room. It had a foul smell of garbage and vehicle fumes. He inhaled it and then coughed hard.

"Why do I bother with this?" he shouted to himself, and he closed the window immediately after. He switched on the television to a music video channel that is showing _Super Mario World_'s _Do the Mario_, made a traditional Hylian breakfast, which is more or less like a continental breakfast, only with rice. Didn't I mention that there will be a clash of cultures or something?

The bell rang while he was eating, and Link went up and opened the door. A man wearing the same uniform as Link's stood in front.

"What do you want? I'm a bit tired. Ad I have to bother with the pollution and shit", said Link.

"My boy", he said, "I am sorry to disturb your breakfast, but being a guard of Princess Zelda is what all true warriors strive for".

"What? Are you on drugs? Everyone is acting_ crazy_ here!" Link replied.

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy", he told Link, "but here's my number, so call me maybe. Just call me anytime, especially when there is a problem. The name's Harkinian". He gave Link his phone number on the business card.

Harkinian is a tall man, twice the height of Link. He had brown hair, has a beard, and acted as a supervisor to Princess Zelda. He went into Link's room, and inspected the place.

After inspection, he sat down on the couch with Link.

"So, you must be a legendary hero with the Triforce?" he asked Link.

"Yes. The Triforce means I am linked with Zelda", replied Link.

"You must be chasing the dream to protect Zelda. You have a good destiny ahead of you. Keep up at it", encouraged Harkinian. "We all support you. But first, I got an assignment for you, Link".

"What's that?" Link replied.

"Princess Zelda is going to the Mushroom Kingdom to arrange a peace talk between a political dispute between an island called Dragon Roost which the Toads called Big Mushroom", he replied.

"Those islands are just rocks to me", said Link, knowing that the disputed islands are made of three rock formations that are held as important historically and culturally to both Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom.

Dragon Roost Island is said to be where a Link of a Hylian myth lived after a devastating flood ravaged Hyrule with Tetra. Mushroom Kingdom mythology tells a story of these islands that formed after a comet crashed into an island, creating an earthquake that splits its peak into three separate islands into a shape of a mushroom.

Link changed the topic and then said, "But I did see that you had been playing too much _Call of Duty_ lately".

"Woah! How did you know?" Harkinian replied.

"The princess told me on how much you spent your time playing video games", Link replied. He then asked curiously, "Isn't that game full of idiotic 12-year olds shouting and blowing on the microphone, and low-lives that hacked the entire game and built mods?"

"No, not always", he continued. "But you play _Battlefield_ and other first-person shooters. Wanna compete against me with my Xbox 360?"

"I'll have a think about it. Gaming had changed over twenty-five years now, ever since I was little", Link told Harkinian. "I can't believe people had been complaining about the graphics and multiplayer modes. It seems like Bobby Kotick can make a run for his money at any rate given the high amount of shooting games, if I recall with his _Call of Duty_ errand to have it released every year".

"Anyway, we'll play some games later. You have to come with me still", Harkinian pressured Link.

Link switched off the television, and left the room with Harkinian. Upon arriving at the front entrance of the castle, which is open from 8 am to 6pm from Monday to Friday, and closed on weekends and public holidays because she gets down to business then. Princess Zelda was coming out of the castle wearing her royal dress and crown. Basically it is the same as the one from _Twilight Princess_, but her hair was kept in a blonde shade.

"Are you going out with me, or not?" asked Zelda.

Link blushed and became relatively shy.

"What's the matter, are you scared of me or something like that?" Zelda continued.

"No", Link said, "I am never scared of you! Why did you asked me? Isn't it too early?"

"Oh, it's too early?" she replied. "OK, I understand that it is too early. Well, Link, we can be friends. Now get inside the car".

The three went inside the car at the back. The car left the castle and began its journey towards the airport. The car itself has the plate number ZELDA64. The entourage also consists of another car with plate number ZELDA63, ZELDA65 the decoy car, twelve police motorbikes, two camels and the 88-strong Royal Guards.

Zelda's motorcade turned right into the twelve lane expressway. The Hylian expressway system was initiated during the reign of Zelda's great-grandfather and direct descendant of Daphnes Nohansen I, Gustav XX the Modern, after the 70th Hylian civil war, who after seeing what other kingdoms surrounding Hyrule had done, sought to bring Hyrule out of the feudal era and into the industrial age, beginning the process of reuniting Hyrule from the balkanised states formed after the war: Goron, Zora, Gerudo, Kokiri, Anouki and Hyrule itself. And from then on, nothing had made sense, as most of this story is construed as a story made from the ground up, and claimed to be what a Zelda sequel may look like in case Nintendo's employees ran out of ideas, which will never happen because they always think of new ways to make fans or break fans, even electric fans or the fans the Japanese carry to beat people with for comedy.

But anyway, back to the story. The motorcade then broke up after a few miles outside the Hylia city limit, when they all assumed that the princess no longer needs protection. The car then cruised in at a fast speed to the airport.

Inside the car, Link, Harkinian and Zelda are chatting about the itinerary for the delegation to Dragon Roost Island. But it ended abruptly in an argument which flavoured potato chip is better once Link opened up a packet of potato chips he found inside a mini bar right at the front seat of a car. Yes, there are potatoes growing in Hyrule. Remember that this story is set over 3000 years since the events in Ocarina of Time, and about, let's say, over 9000 years since Skyward Sword?

"Nine thousand? That cannot be true!" exclaimed Zelda.

"No, I say that salt and vinegar chips are better than Cucco flavoured ones", claimed Link, pulling the entire plot the author had worked on for many weeks into the metaphorical derailment of a train called Story, claiming hundreds of words, with their related words mourning the loss of the casualties claimed by just one simple plot derailment.

"Salt and Vinegar flavoured? What, that's shit! Cucco flavoured is better! The workers are killed for every Cucco killed!" Harkinian argued back. "Every time a Cucco dies, a person dies".

Link responded, "Harkinian, please think of the Cuc-" but was cut off by Zelda.

Zelda shouted, "Diamlah!" Quiet!

"Are we speaking in Hylian, English, Japanese or what?" Link asked.

"This argument is just bullshit! I prefer chilli-flavoured! And Link is a no-good bitch!" Zelda continued shouting.

"How the hell am I a bitch, princess?" Link shouted sarcastically, "You just told us to shut up and shouted out your favourite flavour of chips. What's the point, _princess_? My Triforce, keep your tampon on! Are you in that mood then? This plot is getting complex by the minute, and even the author had run out of ideas on what he should put in!"

The author just rushed out from his computer to take a break. "Just mind your own business, dumbass", he said.

"This plot is full of splits, deviations, spaghetti junctions, T-intersections and whatnot that make Metroid look like Call of Duty!" Link further complained.

"Nintendo released a damn timeline for the damn series, Link, and you just refused to accept the fact that such a timeline like this existed. It doesn't look like it, but you are", said Harkinian back.

The car arrived at the front of the airport terminal.

Zelda was cross, with her arms crossed and her left foot kicking, and pouting at him as if he had done something terribly wrong. "Link, shut up", said Zelda crossly. "Just move yourself to my left"

"But, but-" Link stumbled nervously.

"Do it!" she demanded.

Zelda bend down and pressed the eject button underneath her seat. Instead of Link being ejected, Zelda was ejected from her seat. She was screaming as she was flying off and then crashed on the ground just as she landed face first, resulting in her lingerie being visible.

Link, on the other hand, simply walked out of the car and became embarrassed. He covered his eyes because of what happened to Zelda.

"Zelda, I hate to say this", told Link firmly. "You suck. Especially when it comes to doing such corny schemes like ejecting people out of their seats from a moving vehicle, or even opening a trapdoor for them to fall through". He turned to Harkinian and said, "Thank Farore I packed up some of those Zelda T-shirts!"

Link walked to the back of the car, with Harkinian trailing behind him. He opened the trunk and lifted the luggage to carry with him to the gate. The luggage consists of the things that Zelda owns as well as Link's and Harkinian's.

"And I heard Ganon has tonnes of them. Mostly of his boar-size ones, though", Harkinian said, picking up the luggage out of the car after him. "Oh, and I forgot to mention to you that Koume and Kotake are now running for an election campaign. I mean, you got the papers and all that bureaucratic shit filled for them?"

"I haven't finished them yet, but it would be done in a day, ready for the elections", answered Link. He dropped the bags down and dug his hands inside his pocket to get the political campaign ad of Koume and Kotake from the pocket, and unfolded it. Link gave it to Harkinian to look at. He picked up the luggage again and continue to carry it to the gate where the private jet is. "Here. This is the ad. All it says is, 'Koume and Kotake for Senate. Vote or we'll freeze burn you!'", said Link. "What the hell is a freeze burn anyway?

"Since I left my family, Hyrule seems to be more like Termina of old folklore, thanks to Zelda's new democratic policies, which allows anyone the right to lead, but is there really going to be an election? Because some of the guys I knew said that as long as Zelda's constant propaganda demonising non-Hylians end, there won't be any democracy".

Link dropped the baggage at the gate and pointed out the sign that says _Death to Ganon_ on a billboard which is on top of the airport terminal building facing the runway. He walked back to the car and continued doing his job. Zelda's luggage was then carried by the porters to the private jet that was parked at the gate.

"Of course, there's going to be an election. This will be the first ever democratic elections in the history of Hyrule, which is coming in about three months' time", said Harkinian. "Ever since the Goron uprising which was started when the rock merchant was harassed by Hylian guards and the Gerudo Revolution that followed after-",

"The Hylian Spring? I heard that Gorons used Facebook to start this uproar, and that caused the Gerudos to start an uprising against Hyrule as well", Link pointed out.

"Exactly. And because of that, Zelda was busy writing a new constitution allowing everyone to represent at the Hylian Congress. Previously, Zelda just pick and choose six people randomly, that bitch. Now even Ganon, the evil King, can run for elections!"

Link and Harkinian walked through the scanners and towards the gate. At the gate, they saluted Zelda as she walked to the jet, holding her dress. They entered the jet afterwards.

The private jet was owned by Zelda, under the title "Air Hyrule Royal Flight", which was written on both sides of the jet. The jet was a 747 beautifully decorated with the Triforce on each window, and the symbol of the Triforce Eagle adorned on the tail. The tail was especially decorated because it was the only part built in Hyrule, symbolising much of the national pride and hours that the workers put into building a single tail. Critics dismiss it as 'an aftermarket modification'.

Inside the jet, the cabin consists of a parking space for the state car. Most of the other rubbish can be seen as well in the parking space, including traces of Ganon's blood, the locks of Midna's hair and 42% of Lindsay Lohan's toxic vomit that had been glowing green for, according to one reporter, "Farore knows how long that shit was there". The jet also has a swimming pool, where Zelda personally once filmed in a music video for the Indi Go-Go's hit song, "Boys Boys Boys", a cockpit, twelve bedrooms, meeting room, four toilets, with one being located in Zelda's bedroom and two located at the back of the plane, a living room, a main galley with dining room, and along with all of the mod cons, a shopping mall and an internet cafe. The jet is also said to travel high up to 200km above the planet Earth, as depicted in a Gerudo magazine.

In the plane, Link, Harkinian and Zelda are sitting on their leather chairs. There are six leather chairs placed neatly in rows and were bolted onto the floor cheaply, and the seat belts looked like if they weren't attached to the chair at all. This, along with a large TV screen out in front, is the living room.

Zelda told Link, "Well, this is the living room, Link. Now we have a flight attendant-" and three more flight attendants came in. "Well, make that _three_ flight attendants on call. If you need any help, just press that orange button. We also have a 105cm TV screen that has every channel on it in the world".

Link gasped in awe. "_Every_ channel I want? I'm at it! I'm going to check out TV Hyrule to see what's on-"

Before he could run to the chair, Zelda grabbed him by his tunic, and said, "Not yet".

Link then gave Zelda the puppy-eyed look. "Oh fine", Zelda said arrogantly, and let him go off to turn the TV on. "Now I'll go and ask the attendants to get the champagne, while you and Harkinian go sit down on the chairs".

Zelda walked off to do that task, and Link and Harkinian stayed in the room. The _fasten seat belt _sign, written in both Hylian and English, were illuminated above them.

When she returned with the champagne, Link was watching a Hylian cartoon show. "Just remember, Harkinian, not every cartoon you see is made for kids. _Pokemon_, maybe, but _Death Note_? Or _Higurashi no Naku Koro ni_? That is quite possibly one of the most adult cartoons", Link told Harkinian.

"Why so? Why are we watching this in the first place, you shit monkey?" Harkinian asked him.

"Because I am an otaku. And I do what I do best". Link said.

Zelda gave Link the bottle of champagne. "Go ahead, knock yourself out", she told him.

Link got a corkscrew and tried to uncork it. He screwed the corkscrew into the cork, just as any normal person with a bottle of wine would, and pulled it hard. He grabbed a wine glass and poured the champagne to it until the froth from the wine comes on top. Well, I'm not sure how it works so stop complaining!

"Do you want some?" he asked Zelda.

Zelda replied, "No thanks, I'm staying sober this time. Not unlike the last time when I ended up sleeping with some random diplomat guy after a diplomatic party in the Mushroom Kingdom when I passed out after drinking like, _seven_ glasses of red wine. I'm a bit of a party animal and playgirl sometimes, especially when I'm in a drunken state".

Link bluntly stated, "Well f-"

"Link! You got to not say it in full!" he harshly said.

"What? What word?" Link replied softly.

"The F word", Harkinian said. "Besides, Zelda is here. Now just use the first letters of the swear words!"

"Oh. F the duck! She is a party B! So F-ing what?" said Link, spelling out the first letters of the swear words.

"No, I am truly a party girl. I don't look like one now though. One time that diplomat asked me to do that weird oral thing in which something hard and long, like a cooked Cucco sausage, is stuffed in my mouth. It's disgusting, and it's everywhere in the newspapers. I was really P-ed at the time and cried at my bedroom for several days", Zelda said.

Link stared blankly at Zelda in shock. Harkinian was also staring blankly, but then he asked, "How long ago did that happen?"

"Two years ago", she replied quietly.

Harkinian added, "Woah. That simply won't do. But anyway the aircraft will not take off any sooner than two hours due to the masses of S that they idiots are moving, such as the food, the items for the six stores and that. This is a huge A plane; the princess must always have some time doing shopping during flight".

Link laughed. "You mean, inflight shopping?"

"Yes. And while the rest of Hylians get inflight movies, this plane has an actual movie theatre, playing the latest and past movies thanks to the ingenious 4TB hard drive containing every movie made since the early 1900's. All you need to do is just ask what you want to watch through a microphone and it plays the video for you. Or you can just take a look at the list and choose what you want to watch", Harkinian added.

"Pimpin', huh? That is one hell of a cool plane", inputted Link.

The jet taxis into the runway from the parking area reserved for the jet. The jet engines, upon arriving at the runway had the throttle at maximum capacity. It was cleared for take-off immediately. The engines roared louder and louder, and the landing gears jolted across the runway, shaking the cabin inside. Once it took off, the jolting stopped, and the plane flew upwards, while having some of the pilot's eyes burnt off. Oh wait, they wore sunglasses when they took off, so that's OK. Why did I wrote that then?

During the flight, Harkinian said, "Link, I want you to come over at the end of the plane. Near the toilets. I need to tell you something".

Link asked, "Why? What's going on here?"

"Unfasten your belt and come with me", he replied.

Harkinian and Link both fastened their seatbelts, got up from their leather seats and walked to the end of the plane. They stopped at the end of the plane, where there are two toilets in between the aisle where they meet. "This is it, Link. I have to be honest with you, this is one impressive plane", he said.

Link asked a question, "Indeed. But why come over to the end of the plane?"

"Because there is a terrible secret Zelda has, and I can't shout it out", Harkinian said back. "Zelda does not want Hyrule to become a democracy".

Link was in a shock at the revelation. "What? But _you're the one shouting_ it out loud, on the _plane_, almost so that Zelda can hear you".

"Zelda is very paranoid about having a democracy", Harkinian said quietly. "The Royal Family has been in power for 1000 years, and during that time, all of the evil forces had disappeared and became less hostile to our forces. Ganon is no longer a threat to Hyrule. But this Zelda, she remained worried. She is scared that someone worse than Ganon might rule the nation, or even worse".

Link was confused. He is confused to see why Zelda would faint at the mere sight of free speech, lese majeste (insulting the monarch), democratic elections and release of political prisoners. "Democracy is good", he stated. "If someone wants to complain about Zelda being filthy rich, that's her opinion. We are in a modern age. Monarchies are shit anyway, and Zelda should get used to the notation of constitutional monarchy. Get her to write a new constitution, for the good of her-"

"But, Link", Harkinian said in a nervous voice, "Zelda promised a constitution for _years _now. If you could just believe me instead of these propaganda posters that the Hylian Government is churning out about how 'democracy is evil' and 'the Triforce of Wisdom is supreme' and stuck on every wall, slum and building of Hyrule. And every Tom, Dick and Harry believed them until the recent events".

Link asked to him again, "What can I do, Harkinian? I have the Triforce of Courage on my hand, but right now, it's being the Triforce of Cowardice when it comes to decisions that affect the whole nation. I guess I got to save Hyrule from continuing as a one-girl kingdom".

Harkinian was less than impressed at what he said. "Absolutely. And I blame it on that damn prince a long time ago when he decreed that every princess born must be called Zelda. She is Princess Zelda the 27,595th if I can recall. The last time we have a king was over 150 years ago". He dug inside the pocket and grabbed a 100 rupee coin to show it to Link.

"See, Link?" he told him as he showed the gold coin with Zelda's face on the head of the coin. "This says, 'Zelda MMMMM-MMMMM-MMMMM-MMMMM-MMMMM-MMDXCV, DFBTGGWPC'". Unfortunately unlike Microsoft Word, the document editor used has a problem with not only representations of Roman numerals over 4000, but couldn't handle long strings of Roman numerals to represent the number 27595, which is a shame because it will look good and can test your knowledge on your Roman numerals. YOU MUST KNOW THEM! YOU MUST KNOW THEM! OR ELSE!

Link was stumped, because Harkinian was only humming and not spelling out the numbers. "Uh, Harkinian, you're just humming, not spelling out the letters", reminded Link. "It's a Roman numeral, and I knew that at school. And what the hell is DFBTGGWPC?"

Harkinian replied, "Defender of the Faith, by the Glory of the Gods of Wisdom, Courage and Power. It's an acronym"

"We need to break that curse, make Hyrule democratic and free her from the paranoia!" said Link enthusiastically. "For now, let's get back to our cabins. We got to look after the princess, as she is our cargo".

"Precious cargo, Link; she is our national treasure", added Harkinian, and they walked back to the cabin.


End file.
